why is it that i never seek answers, only distractions?
why is it that i can not function properly?
am i so greatly flawed that i can not see the decency in my fellow humans?
for myself, i can only hope for the best.
for others, i can only hope they do not have to experience me.
is it depression, or misery?
i can't really answer that.
they say misery is just sadness.
and they say depression is just sadness with moments of happiness.
i feel depression is sadness, and at points you don't notice as badly.
i have depression.
or so im told.
could be misery?
who knows.
it doesn't really matter.
its more so of an out look thing.
fake it till you make it.
or so i was told.
tried that.
came out worse than ever.
i pushed away everything i ever cared about.
i would like to think my incoherent ramblings will mean something.
affect someone.
but they wont.
someone will read this and think,"wow, cry more."
problems always seem bigger when they happen to you, i guess.
but the fact of the matter is, none of this matters.
you dont matter.
your opinion doesnt matter.
i sure as shit dont matter.
im sitting here at 4:41 a.m.
dying every moment
and while i write this
there goes another bit of fun i wont have of fun
of excitement
of love
of interaction
of meeting someone knew
of having an awkward moment to be laughed about later
of saying something at the same time as someone else, and inevitably jinx-ing them
of making that retarded pre-sneeze face
of remembering something that was on the tip of your tongue
of making that perfect impression
of being greeted at the door, by your best friend, kaiser the german shepherd
of having that rush of a great memory
of hearing a song you love come on, when your itunes is on shuffle
of telling the punch line of a joke
why the fuck am i still writing this pretentious piece of shit
fuck me, fuck you zach.
you are a fucking miserable piece of shit.
pouring your heart into something no one will ever fucking read.
its like if da vinci painted the mona lisa on a fucking toliet bowl
nobody cares.
its just there.
taking up more and more useless space.
and you know what?
to you, person who is fucking reading this?
i hope you never forget it
i hope you never forget that one really long, shitty, depressing piece of garbage you read on on a blog that's title was something about decapation or something.
and i hope you enjoied it.
and i hope you told your friends about it.
im rambling.
its now 5:05
crippling depression ensues
is it still depression, or at this stage is it bi-polar disorder?
i wonder what its like in the ocean right now.
its cold.
and its wet.
and its scary.
its different.
and i guess that constitutes scary?
everything was once different?
does that make it inherently scary?
you are different than me.
do i scare you?
do you scare me?
do we scare each other?
or do we just not fucking care.
do you know who i am?
im everything you cant stand.
im the crying baby on the long flight.
im that douche bag that cost you your premotion.
im your boss.
im your teacher.
im that loud asshole at the bar.
im that one person, whose voice drives you to near insanity.
and do you know what?
you fucking love me.
im your conversation starter and your ice breaker.
"can you believe that fucking child on an international flight?"
"can you believe that motherfucker is responsable for our entire company going bankrupt?"
"can you believe that he cut my hours for being in the union?"
"can you believe that she gave us homework over winter break?"
"can you believe that loud asshole?"
"can you believe that i haven't fucking killed him yet?"
to all of the people i offened.
your welcome.
i wish you the best.
albeit you wish me death and bodily harm, i want you to know, i care about your happiness.
you hate me, and you are welcome.
peace.
solidarity.
-you have been warned.
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